Joel 2:12-13 AMPC
[12] Therefore also now, says the Lord, turn and keep on coming to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning [until every hindrance is removed and the broken fellowship is restored]. [13] Rend your hearts and not your garments and return to the Lord, your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in loving-kindness; and He revokes His sentence of evil [when His conditions are met].
I don’t think I ever fully felt the weight of my sins because so many of them were hidden. I had seen the results of sin in the lives of others, but I didn’t think I would ever go far enough for the consequences of my sins to actually reach me. If and when they did, I thought that forgiveness was all I needed to forget and exclude parts of my past. Therefore, by receiving forgiveness, that would override any negative result I would have experienced without it. Forgiveness is defined as to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) or give up claim to requital [something given in return, compensation, or retaliation] (Merriam-Webster, 2025). Nowhere in that definition does it state that forgiveness eliminates consequences or repercussions. Clearly, I was wrong, yet again. A common theme in my walk with God that I’m hopeful you’ll be affirmed by throughout my story is that this journey is all about unlearning everything I thought I already knew and allowing God to correct me.
Full transparency: I got so caught up in a world where many women get pregnant outside of marriage and are still celebrated, that I didn’t think my pregnancy would be met with such disappointment. However, I was raised in church and my entire family subscribes to Christian values, so the response I received when sharing what I thought was good news, shouldn’t have been surprising, but for some reason I still didn’t expect it. I had become so comfortable with doing whatever I wanted to do and being “grown” that I forgot just how important people’s opinions and my reputation throughout my community of faith were to me. The primary response I received was “This isn’t what God wanted, but if you repent, He will forgive you.” I immediately felt offense rise up within me every single time I heard this statement. It’s not that I planned my life intending to have a child before I had a husband, but that’s what happened and I wasn’t ashamed of it. I knew that having sex outside of marriage was sinful, but it didn’t seem to matter until there was proof of it. This was extremely eye-opening for me. I felt like no one cared about the fact that my life had been out of order for years until it was impossible to deny. It’s as if my bouts with alcoholism, substance abuse, promiscuity, and suicidal ideation prior to becoming pregnant were completely overlooked. I didn’t understand why everyone viewed pregnancy as the end of my life or the worst decision I had ever made. Looking back, I see that the reaction I received from my loved ones exposed just how well I had been hiding all of my struggles.
No one knew how deeply depressed I had become or that I had been acting out because of it. For a period of time, I put my life at risk often and was on the edge of unaliving myself when God woke me up. For me, my pregnancy, while unforeseen, saved my life because it freed me from every progressively toxic cycle I was stuck in. Outside of salvation, I consider my child to be my greatest blessing because he made me want to live again. I had completely dismissed the idea that God had a purpose and a plan for my life before this. I accepted the narrative that I was too far gone for God to still care about my future, though, that was never true. From the moment I turned away from God and gave up on my beliefs, God was calling me back to Him. He never stopped loving me. God knew exactly what I would experience during my exploration of the world. Yet and still, He paved a way for me to return to Him at the end of it all. God never gave up on me, even when it felt like people did. He used my pregnancy as a lesson, not to punish me, but to bless me immensely. I’m learning just how much my Heavenly Father loves me through my relationship with my child. I have never experienced a love like this.
I now have a better understanding of why God did everything in His power to ensure that we could always be in fellowship with Him. God never intended to live without us. John 3:16-17 in the Amplified Classic version says, [16] For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. [17] For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge (to reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on) the world, but that the world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through Him. I’m not at all saying that God condoned my actions. God does not tolerate sin. I was living in sin and got pregnant, as a result. However, I do believe that God used that situation to show me who He is and to remind me who He created me to be. I’m not upset (anymore) about the initial reactions I received from my loved ones and my church. I understand where they were coming from, trying to honor God by upholding their beliefs and expressing disapproval of my actions. It’s not that my child was a mistake, but my decisions were, so, I absolutely needed to repent and ask God to forgive me; they weren’t wrong about that. If nothing else, this experience has shown me that I need to be firm in my own beliefs and take a stance on how I’m going to live my life. I can no longer be lukewarm with one foot at the altar and one foot in the world. Yes, God will always forgive me of my sins, but I can’t manipulate His mercy then expect the benefit of His grace. There’s a difference between making a mistake and choosing to practice a lifestyle outside of the will of God.
It took 25 years and the birth of my son for me to finally make a decision to live for God. Not just in public, online or when asked to check which religious box I fit in, but in my heart as well as my habits and day-to-day activities. I learned that God couldn’t just be Savior to me, He must be Lord, too. Lord is defined as one having power and authority (Merriam-Webster, 2025). God is the master of my life and Jesus is Lord could no longer just be churchy sayings, but my personal conviction. My life has never been my own, though, I’ve lived much of it like it was. God had to remind me that He didn’t just spare my life on a whim way back in 2000. He continually grants me life year after year to glorify Him, make His name known, and spread the good news to those who don’t yet believe. My gifts and talents were not given to me in vain. God still wants to use me. God isn’t done with me just because I’m a mom now. God is still blessing me day in and day out. My life didn’t end when I got pregnant like many said it would. God continued His work within me because His purpose is yet to be fulfilled in my life. I didn’t mess up too bad for God to cleanse me and make me new, regardless of what anyone says or thinks. God has been with me through every phase and stage of my life—protecting me, guiding me, and drawing me back to Him. I am forgiven by God, and I am grateful for it. God has been faithful to me.
This testimony is for the single mommies who grew up in church like me, and may be battling feelings of shame during what should be one of the most beautiful seasons of your life. I’m sharing this to remind you that you aren’t alone. Though people may push you aside and dismiss you, God does not. You are so loved by God, you are chosen by God, and God can and still wants to use you. You are never too far gone to turn around and live for God. Don’t let the enemy destroy your destiny by convincing you that you’re unworthy of forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 AMPC says “If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action].” God’s forgiveness has the power to transform your entire life, if you let it. As long as you have breath in your lungs, it is never too late to run to your Heavenly Father for help, comfort, and safety. God’s arms are always open wide, ready to receive us. No matter what you are facing, remember that you are still a beloved child of the one, true King. Allow God to restore your hope and help you live again.
Isaiah 25:1 AMPC
[1] O Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You, I will praise Your name, for You have done wonderful things, even purposes planned of old [and fulfilled] in faithfulness and truth.
