Proverbs 19:21 AMPC
[21]  Many plans are in a man's mind, but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand.

I’m realizing just how important it is to say yes to God the first time. It saves so much time, effort, and energy when we just say yes. I’ve personally wasted several years of my life running from the will of God, and chasing everything I knew in my heart wasn’t for me. This has led to unnecessary trauma, broken relationships, poor habits, and harmful mindsets God is still working out of me. This has also pushed back the blessing of God connected to my purpose and calling due to my stubbornness and lack of focus. While God has still blessed me exponentially even in the midst of my disobedience, His blessings mainly revolved around saving me from myself and leading me back to Him. I wasn’t able to elevate until I let go of the weights holding me down. God had to guide me to my calling before He could guide me through it.

In seasons when I didn’t know myself and refused to stop, and seek God for help and internal healing, I turned to people who I bonded with through our shared pain. These connections seemed authentic and necessary any time I was engulfed in sin, so much so, I began to take on certain identities believing I was discovering my “true self”. I was wrong. As long as I was under the influence of substances, I could ignore God’s voice. This is how I maintained my delusion. It’s as if I wasn’t raised a Christian and didn’t spend the majority of my life in church every week. It’s as if I didn’t know in my heart that God had a great purpose for my life. I allowed myself to drift so far away from God that I settled with the idea of potentially going to Hell just to stay cozy in the mess I had made. Although I knew the life that I was leading would end in destruction, I somehow convinced myself I was okay with it. I believed the lie of the enemy that said I didn’t deserve better because of how I was living and the sins I had already committed. For years, I accepted the bare minimum, ignored every red flag, diminished my self-worth, and fed into a joint belief that this would go on forever. BUT GOD.

As soon as I would allow myself even the shortest moment of sobriety, God would convict me and I would fight to come out of whatever hole I was in. While my attempts didn’t always last very long, and there were many times I turned right back around and dove head first into toxic cycles and sinful behavior, God was still working. Despite how discouraging my failures were, I began to feel hopeful that one day the changes I knew I needed to make would stick. If I kept trying to be sober, if I kept blocking the people I enjoyed sinning with, if I kept listening to sermons and filtering out what I allowed to be planted into my heart, if I remained open to God and believed that He could actually make a way for me… one day I would be set free from the prison I locked myself away in.

One major problem with disobeying God is it didn’t just hurt me; it hurt everyone I was connected to. Full transparency: I have ruined people because of my disobedience to God. Every time I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, it’s as if a light switch would turn on within me. I would rededicate my life to Christ and throw away anything (and anyone) that didn’t look like Him. Admittedly, I was very toxic in this way because whenever I abandoned my convictions and decided to sin again, I would pick these people right back up as if I had made a mistake letting them go in the first place. I did this over and over again, treating people’s hearts like yo-yo’s because of my own brokenness. I made several enemies by mishandling people’s emotions, trying to live in my own truth rather the truth of who God created me to be. I don’t regret coming out of the lifestyle I was living, but I do regret the trauma and toxicity I imposed upon others by pulling them into a world I enjoyed, but so desperately desired to leave.

I wanted so much more for my future than what I was willing to admit to my connections, and even to myself at times. Unfortunately for them, God heard every prayer I prayed and saw every tear I cried. He never gave up on me, and neither did the people who actually loved me. To this day, I cannot thank my parents, my mom’s prayer circle, and my church family enough for constantly covering me and keeping me lifted up in prayer, not even knowing what I was facing. Their obedience to God led to my escape from darkness. Each time I would hear God’s voice either through a sermon when returning to church or a loving interaction with a familiar face, the truth of God’s word began to outweigh the lies of the enemy. God was calling me back to Him, and I was finally listening.

Romans 8:35, 38-39 AMPC says this, [35] Who shall ever separate us from Christ’s love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? Or calamity and distress? Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword? [38] For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, [39]  Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Nothing in my life was ever going to keep me from God’s love, but my decisions could have absolutely kept me from His will. When we choose to hold onto our sinful ways, we walk in the opposite direction of our purpose. I felt trapped in relationships even when I heard the voice of God tell me to stop, leave, or change, because I was more loyal to the ungodly tie I created than to my destiny. I felt obligated to finish every narrative I wrote, and if I couldn’t save us both at the end of it, I didn’t think I should be saved at all. Do you see how the enemy uses relationships to keep us blind and bound to sin?

I am no one’s Savior. Jesus laid down His life so I would never have to be. Regardless of how painful it was to sever certain connections, God had to remind me that I was only responsible for myself and my salvation. He required my yes and my total obedience. These broken connections allowed God to not only work on my heart, but their hearts as well, without using one another as distractions. We must not delay the will of God by trying to wait for others to meet us at the starting point. God has given us all free will to run our own race at our own pace. We must trust and believe that God knows exactly what He’s doing for us and for our loved ones. If He delivered you, He can deliver them, too. 

Jeremiah 29:11 AMPC says this, [11] For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. God’s commands are not in vain. When He says move, MOVE. When He says go, GO. Wherever He leads us, we must follow because His ways always lead to life. There is nothing better than being in the center of God’s perfect will for our lives. It is an honor and a privilege to serve and live for our Creator. All He expects of us is to obey His word. He only requires our yes. Yes, to His will. Yes, to His ways. We must die to our flesh and stop sinning. We cannot be lukewarm and still expect to receive the blessing of God for our lives. We must choose to intentionally live holy, and allow God to transform us from the inside out. Then God’s purpose and plans for our lives will be fulfilled, and His glory will be shown through us.  

Job 22:23, 25-28 AMPC
[23]  If you return to the Almighty [and submit and humble yourself before Him], you will be built up; if you put away unrighteousness far from your tents, [25]  And make the Almighty your gold and [the Lord] your precious silver treasure, [26]  Then you will have delight in the Almighty, and you will lift up your face to God. [27]  You will make your prayer to Him, and He will hear you, and you will pay your vows. [28]  You shall also decide and decree a thing, and it shall be established for you; and the light [of God's favor] shall shine upon your ways.